Nick Clegg has vowed not to be caught out for a second time, stating, ‘Last time around once it became clear noone had any intention of following the manifesto whatsoever it was nothing but a hindrance.
‘We are not going to make the same mistake again. This time we aren’t going to have any policies at all. We are going to leave the manifesto completely empty.
‘It saves a lot of fuss for everyone’, Clegg continued, ‘All of the humiliating dithering and backtracking of the last few years has made me feel very silly, like a maundery bobbing toilet brush.
‘By not having a manifesto this time once elected again I’ll probably feel a bit more like Neo from The Matrix, who didn’t let any fiddly bureaucracy and overarching policy constraints get in the way of discovering all life on Earth may be nothing more than an elaborate facade created by a malevolent cyber-intelligence.’
Asked whether it is really possible for his own political career, and the Liberal Democrat party to come back from 5 years of unrelenting daily shame and embarrassment Clegg said, ‘My message to the nation is this. You can either vote for the other parties with election manifestos who can be officially certified to be duplicitous liars at some point after the election or you can vote for the Liberal Democrats who are now mathematically and scientifically certain to not mislead the public at all.
‘No other party can claim that but the Lib Dems.’