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Government Announce HS2 Austerity Package
Specifications of HS2 will be downgraded to include using old bits of the Intercity 125 and platforms that are too short, quadrupling the cost. Theres...
News
Modern car design mostly based on Michael Portillo’s face
A CAR industry insider has revealed most new cars are styled to look like Michael Portillo. ‘We’ve looked at a lot of faces of a lot of il...
Seagulls totally oblivious of everything
SEAGULLS are completely unaware of the normal facts of existence, it has emerged. A study by The British Seabird and Economics Institute has revealed ...
Lib Dems set to unveil policy-free manifesto
THE LIBERAL Democrat Party have confirmed they will pledge absolutely nothing at all in this years election manifesto after the last one was discovere...
Science and Technology
Last surviving Internet Explorer user dies peacefully in favourite armchair
THE LAST surviving Internet Explorer user has died peacefully in her favourite armchair aged 84. Elsie Smith began using Internet Explorer in 1995 whe...
Fashion
We make clothes for twats, admits high street
HIGH STREET retail stores have confessed their entire clothing range basically gives thousands of ways to look like the same twat. ‘Fashion is a...
Business
Humans costing economy a fortune
THE INSTITUTE OF ECONOMICS has estimated the ongoing fallibility of human beings is costing the economy an absolute bloody fortune. It is the first ti...
Money
Students demand higher tuition fees
SAVVY students are campaigning for tuition fees to be raised safely beyond the point it is even remotely feasible loans will ever be paid back. Lucy W...
Sport
Nation shocked at 150mph ball death
AUSTRALIA is in a state of shock after a man died playing a game where heavy balls are hurled toward people at 150mph hundreds of times a day. Cricket...
Sheffield Wednesday retire from football
SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY have announced they will retire from The Football League because they can’t be bothered anymore. ‘We’ve been wal...
Ferguson mind games continue despite retirement
THE LEAGUE Managers Association have complained late night phone calls containing cryptic messages and heavy breathing from Ex-Manchester United manag...
More News
Alex Polizzi appointed to discipline everyone in United Kingdom
TV kibitzer Alex Polizza has been commissioned to visit everybody’s house and tell them off. A new campaign has been launched to ensure househol...
UKIP racism low grade and uninspiring, claim high-brow racists
THE QUALITY of UKIP’s racism is low grade, not insulting enough and lacks poetic flair, according to proper connoisseurs of racism. Hardcore rac...
UK public set to elect Democratic Dalek Alliance
THE 2015 UK General Election is expected to be won by new party The Democratic Dalek Alliance. British voters have complained of being dispirited and ...
BBC intelligence strictly limited to Bishop’s Thought of the Day
INTELLIGENT discourse during BBC news and current affairs programming has been strictly limited to a 3 minute thought of the day slot by the Bishop of...
Audi drivers blamed for making everyone feel miserable
EVIL minded Audi drivers and their mean looking cars have been suggested as just enough of a reason everyone feels so sad these days. Before a wave of...
World leaders gather in strange huddle
[caption id="attachment_3372" align="alignleft" width="500"] Many are bursting for the toilet[/caption]
Real women busty plump voluptuous models, say womens’ groups
WOMENS’ groups have welcomed a new trend in the media to present females how they really are. For decades ultra thin stick figure depictions of ...
Weston-Super-Mare claims best pier fire
TOURISM chiefs in Western-Super-Mare have said the 2008 Western-Super-Mare Grand Pier fire was much better than any other rival seaside resort pier fi...
Smashing 2 Brian Coxs together would prove nothing, predict scientists
CLONING Brian Cox and smashing him into himself using the Large Hadron Collider at CERN would get physics nowhere, physicists have predicted. Cox had ...
Even More News
Avoid the present moment, urge spiritual authorities
A GROUP of advanced spiritually enlightened gurus have said the present moment is very boring and advise it’s best avoided. ‘We recommend ...
Final level of Scientology not quite the final level, announces Church of Scientology
THE CHURCH of Scientology has revealed the absolute, ultimate, supreme, final and everlasting level of Scientology isn’t quite it. A spokesperso...
Adjectives to be removed from the National Curriculum
TIMEWASTING flowery language will be banned from the classroom, the Department for Education has announced. ‘Classroom time is valuable. We̵...
New World Order renounce global skullduggery
SHADOWY puppet masters of humanity The New World Order have apologised for trying to take over Planet Earth. ‘We don’t know how it happene...
Bricking up houses ‘harsh but fair’, says Housing Minister
HOUSING Minister Brandon Lewis has conceded bricking up houses is mean and unnecessary but promised it will only happen to people who really deserve i...
Cable buys back Royal Mail for £2 Trillion
A £2 TRILLION re-nationalisation of the Royal Mail is to go ahead following consultation with private financial advisers from global hedge fund group ...
Lollipop ladies to be privatised
DAVID Cameron has announced lollipop ladies will be provided by private security firm G4S. The Primeminister reassured the public, ‘the quality ...
Hague set to live to 150
WILLIAM Hague has a life expectancy of 150 according to reports from a local psychic evening event he attended at a pub in Little Brumpton, Hertfords...
I finally won a trophy, admits Blair
TONY Blair has revealed his political career could have been avoided had he been awarded a trophy sooner. ‘I’m happy now. I’m selli...
Pin numbers reset to 1111
THE BANK of England has announced all debit and credit card pin numbers will be reset to 1111 in an effort to encourage more low level street crime. G...